The Storm Before The Sun

It’s the day after Queen Aretha passed on. News shows and social media posts are paying tribute. I just watched 20/20’s beautiful tribute (on Hulu). It’s an amazing, jaw-dropping experience to watch videos of her live performances. I can only imagine what it would have been like to have been in the same room…

I’m sad the world continues to lose legends but I’m aware, every life has a beginning, middle, and end and Aretha lived her best life. It’s our loss. She could be in her next destination, somewhere heavenly, sipping champagne with God.

I’ve been crying a bit today. Full of feelings. An ocean of emotion, my freshman in college self once wrote in an attempt at poetry and being deep.

It sucks looking for work. And being single. Both situations at the same time sucks.

Last week I had an interview for a job I know is mine to lose. It’s everything I’ve been doing the last 15 years and the pay is better than what I earned before doing the same thing. The work environment seems welcoming and good.

I’ve come to realize that service coordination (now being called care management) for people with developmental disabilities is the job I love. I want to keep doing it.

The job I interviewed for is the job I hope to land. I’m maintaining a positive attitude about it. It’s not easy.

I’m not a fatalist but I might as well be.

I like not working but not as much as I did when I first wasn’t working. It’s lost it’s novelty.

And anyway, I need to work. I need to work to live. I need to work to have a life. I need to work and also not be single anymore.

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Friends With The Monster

I need my head on straight before I get back to real life. I’ve had some time to clear my mind of stress. Stress that I can manage better now than before.

I wonder where did I go wrong? Because it’s a lot like a break up. The end of a relationship or whatever, the fault is more often than not, mine. It was personal to me. And not healthy.

Wouldn’t it be the best if I could take a pill and everything that I give too many fucks about disappears. It would also be the best if I just didn’t give any fucks.

I’ll maybe feel some sort of normal.

Anyway, I’m glad I’ve had these last two months to clear my head.

Restore, Resolve, Resumè.

Still Here

Today my dad asked about me why I haven’t posting on here. So that reminded me to write something.

I’m working on getting back to work at a better paying job. There are jobs I’ve sent my resume to that I know I’m qualified for. I just hope something clicks soon.

Maybe once I’m employed again and less in my head all the time, I’ll post more on here. If something inspires me, I’ll post it.

Escaping The Haze/The Juice Just Isn’t Worth The Squeeze

This blog had a purpose when I started it. Then it turned into something different.

What I write is honest and I get personal. I’m afraid of who’s reading this and who isn’t. The people I hoped would read this probably don’t care enough to and the people who do care are related to me.

I’m related to people who have negative energy and their negativity is contagious and toxic. I resemble these people. I share history with these people. I’m family to these people. I don’t know how to feel about these people. The fact that they’re not healthy for me doesn’t seem to matter. There’s no escape. I can’t write blog posts, or anything, and not express my truest feelings. Sadly, my truest feelings can be considered offensive. Or not. But the juice isn’t worth the squeeze to continue this blog and find out. At least right now. I’m not in the best head space.

This is just a hiatus. I may find myself with something to say tomorrow. Or not for a while. This hiatus has no time constraints.

Have a great day and be grateful for your pets. Your pets don’t speak human and therefore don’t judge, question, or criticize.

I change my mind a lot and I might change my mind about this.

But not right now. Now I’m on hiatus.

Big Brother / P. O. V.

Yes. I have a pillow with a picture of my pets. It’s really cool!! I want another one. (Canvaspeople.com)

The Big Brother 20 is going so well so far. It’s exciting because the people in the game are playing! I’m not sure that if anyone reading this blog knows anything about the game, so here’s some information.

This season sixteen people entered the house. One by one the house guests vote each other out until there’s (typically) a nine person jury and a final two. The game happens in real time while the audience is able to watch what’s going on in the house on the live feeds.

I sometimes watch the live feeds. I like watching them when stuff happens. This season has stuff happening. Unlike the previous two seasons, this cast doesn’t seem negative. They don’t constantly talk crap about the other people in the game. As someone who wants to be kind and genuine, it’s refreshing seeing people being nice, even if sometimes it’s fake nice.

Power of Veto necklace

There’s a mechanism in the game called the Power of Veto, a competition with six players, the Head of Household, the two nominees, and three players randomly drawn. The winner of the competition has the power to keep the Head of Household’s nominations the same, or to veto one of the nominations, making the HOH choose a replacement nominee.

As someone who majored in English, the point of view, or POV, of a character is important to me. When my meds are working and I’m not so much in my own way, I try to think about other people’s perspective. I would like to think that if I ever played Big Brother, my strategy would be to be cognizant of every player’s perspective. It would be a lot of work.

This season is 99 days. I’m too old for that shit, to be locked up on a set posing as a house with a concrete backyard. It would be a lot of things and top of the list, a mistake to play. I just don’t have the social strategy to make it on Big Brother and Survivor. I say too much. I say without thinking. And I’m often misunderstood. And I’m too emotional. I would be terrible. Plus I’m too old and out of shape. Big Brother is a game for people in their 20s and 30s. And my gray hairs would be an issue for me. The production would have to let me cover up the grays.

This is a silly tangent. As much as I want to win money and bragging rights, I’m not going on either BB or Survivor. But I do want a lot of money. What’s harder? Finding a man with a disposable income or winning one of those games?

Everything I Know About Politics I Learned From My Dad

The opinions posted here are only opinions. If anything I say in this post is in any way offensive or if you disagree strongly with my opinions I apologize in advance.

Earlier today I was on the phone with my dad. I was wondering what he thinks about Cynthia Nixon running for Governor of New York. He likes her but is concerned that if she wins the Democratic nomination, she won’t win against the Republican candidate. Although New York is a blue state, most of the state is red and New Yorkers have elected Republican governors before.

I usually agree with my dad’s political opinions. In this case, I disagree. Cynthia Nixon is a refreshing candidate and she may be who we need in New York. She may be that Democrat who invigorates the parts of the state that usually vote red.

I don’t wear I heart NY t-shirts. I love NYC as it’s represented in Nora Ephron movies but I don’t actually like New York. I especially don’t like the city. I do like that the platform Cynthia Nixon is running on will make the city nicer for city people, like my mom and niece. She wants to fix the subway system. When I lived in the city back during Y2K, I had to ride the subway all the time. I hated it. It’s so awful. For other people, it’s good that Cynthia Nixon wants to fix and improve the subway.

I like that she wants to legalize marijuana because she knows there’s a demand and it’ll help to invigorate the economy.

I also like that when I see photos and videos of her campaigning, she looks like she couldn’t be happier being out there, shaking hands. She’s hustling to win the primary. I hope she does. And I’m confident she’d win against the Republican. There aren’t any inspiring Republican candidates, are there? If there are, wouldn’t we be hearing about them??

Cynthia Nixon is great at campaigning. It’s a gift I don’t have. Certain people have it. Obama had it. Bill Clinton had it. I’m happy to have a Cynthia Nixon to root for. Especially with what is the current national political state.

I understand my dad wanting to vote for someone who will realistically beat the Republican. I don’t think it’s Cuomo anymore. I think it’s Cynthia Nixon.

I lived in California when Arnold was governor. I lived in America when Reagan was President. I’m living in America that’s currently being represented by an orange reality personality. The fact of Cynthia Nixon’s past as a child actress who successfully transitioned to adult roles and has fought personal battles might make her more qualified to govern NY than other people, in my opinion.

The news of Supreme Court Justice Kennedy retiring is not good under this administration. My dad taught me that one of the most important reasons to vote for the Democratic candidate most likely to beat the Republican because of the President’s role in choosing Supreme Court Justices.

The issue I care about most right now is health care. It should be free for all. Health care shouldn’t be dependent on your employment. We shouldn’t have to apply for Medicaid. It should be available for everyone. I should be able to walk into any doctor or specialists office and be treated for free. Sadly, I think it would take a miracle for this country to have health care for all.

Which is why Canada seems so much better than the current American reality:

I Overestimated My Hustle.

I know of people making good money legally getting high. Everyday. Seriously. There are real people in this country who make a good living smoking weed on social media and collaborating with companies that make marijuana paraphernalia. These people get free products to advertise. And these products aren’t cheap. Even though that seems to me a utopian way to earn a living. The thing about Utopia is that it’s an imagined place or state of things in which everything is perfect. I’m not that much of a hedonist that I need to live in Utopia.

perfectworld

Too Good to be True? Maybe if I were still in my 20s. Even 30s. But at this point I’m too old? too seasoned? too realistic? pessimistic? disillusioned?
I want to go to work again. When I left my last job, I wanted to change careers. I still do, but maybe I’m not ready yet. I would love to make a living writing this blog and books and whatever I want. But after I have established myself, which I haven’t yet.

For me to do that I would have to really be hustling, putting my work and my name out there. I’d have to make videos and do everything I could to make a lot of content so when people Google different topics or key words, my stuff comes up. Honestly, I’m too critical of myself to put myself out there like that.

But I feel good about what could happen. I didn’t leave my last job in vain. I was miserable and a little unstable. But I’ve had a month away from what I was dealing with and my perspective is clearer, I think. When it comes to getting a job doing what I know I can do to make a living now, I have hustle. Because I have renewed confidence. I’ll get a good job, where I want to work, wherever that ends up being…

My Dog is Better Behaved than the Kids Waiting at the Valvoline

I think it’s the silliest thing that bratty kids are permitted everywhere and I need special permission for Max. Look at him:

He’s just the sweetest.

Also, if you’re a parent of bratty kids, I’m sorry if I offend you. But the truth is, my dog behaves better.

This is Turning Into More of an Essay Than a Typical Blog Post

I just had a random thought that was really interesting. But after I grabbed my phone and pulled up the WordPress app, I completely forgot what that thought was.

I’m a little high. That happens. I like it. When I’m high I have the greatest thoughts, I think. And then I forget. I could have had a brilliant thought that evaporated into eternity.

I usually smoke before bed cause even though I take prescription meds, I feel best after a couple of bong rips. It works for me and helps me get to sleep. My sister calms down after work making Lego art. Some people color in adult coloring books to relax. I don’t have the patience for coloring books. When I’m coloring I think of other creative pursuits that I should be doing instead of coloring. And I’m not good at coloring. Mental health professionals recommend coloring to their patients. I know people who are in mental health day programs spend at least some time during the day coloring. Maybe it’s meditative and calms them down. I dunno.

My sister, the one who makes Lego art, the one who’s younger than me, is artistic and a better colorer and drawerer than me. And a better athlete, singer and musician than me. I started violin the summer I turned 7 I think. Lara was sounding out my violin tunes on the piano and she wasn’t even in kindergarten yet. Ugh! She could play the the tunes by ear. That’s impressive. And I couldn’t do that.

You would think that after 42 years on this planet and 40 years as her older sister, that maybe I wouldn’t hold onto old sibling rivalries. You would think I was more mature than I am.

I love this story about me. I was about 23 months when my mom left me. And then she came back holding the baby, the newborn she had just left me to give birth to. That really wasn’t cool of her.

My older sister already existed when I was born so I didn’t know life without her and had no reason to be annoyed by her existence. The baby was an intruder. She was probably annoying too, being a helpless baby and all. And I had separation anxiety when my mom would leave me and no vocabulary to express myself.

Which leads me to this game changing moment in my life.

I love my mom. She’s beautiful and funny and kind. And she’s my mom. But she left me and came back with the baby. So I went up to her and with all my almost two year old might, I punched her in the stomach.

I punched my mom because I didn’t have the words to tell her off. What would I have said to her if I had a vocabulary? I think punching her was the best option because it’s the cutest of all the things. Not true.

When my niece, Emily was born, my nephew, Nick, was about 3. He told my sister to put the baby back. He wanted her to go back in the car and go back. Emily didn’t leave because she’s his sister.

I remembered what the original thought was.

I’m old now and should be responsible for all my shit but I not so secretly want to delegate most of my responsibilities. If I have a staff or a husband, the stuff I have to do as an adult that I don’t want to do, other people or he can do it for me.

Oh! In case you want to know, so far Big Brother 20 is a good season. Very fun.

Especially on weed.

A Normal Fear of Chin Hair

I’ve been thinking about positive thinking, how to give and receive positive energy. I’m curious.

Let’s say that I’m having a day. I feel really fat and I can’t seem to get rid of my chin hair.

Even though I intellectually know there’s nothing dramatic (that I’m aware of) about my existing chin hair, hopefully, I still feel like a circus act sometimes.

I worry that if I ever get on Survivor, my archetype would be one they never cast before: the bearded lady (a single woman in her 40s who loves her pets and chin hair happens). They’d probably regret ever giving me the opportunity to be on Survivor. There are days when I feel especially gross. None of my cute shirts fit because maybe I ate junk food everyday for a week or something.

When I touch my face I feel the brown hairs on my chin and I worry. Can people tell? If they can, are they thinking that I might have absolutely no vanity and am 99% lazy, or are they wondering if I just returned from competing on Survivor? I’d probably end up with a beard if I was on Survivor. Unless I remove those hairs for good. I don’t want to create a new archetype, the lady with the beard. I just threw up in my mouth. I don’t want a beard! I’m a girl and I’m glad for that. I was born as the right gender for me.

A beard is off-putting. Especially being a female still looking for her Mr. Right. No man I’m attracted to wants someone who grows out her chin hair.

I worry a lot. I’m worrying now. Each time I worry more gray hairs seem to pop up.

Earlier today I was working on feeling more comfortable in front of the camera. I was walking Max while using a selfie-stick. I deleted the video. I gained weight since before, when I was young and thin. I want to be young and thin again. I’m not getting younger but I can get thinner. It’s just that doing the work is not easy. It’s hard to motivate myself to have willpower and exercise.

So I’m gonna first do one week of drinking only water, unsweetened green tea and black coffee and eating only celery, cucumbers, pickles, hard-boiled eggs, apples and applesauce.

I’m not starting this upcoming week. My birthday is Saturday and even though I’m not happy about getting older this year, I’m eating on my birthday. It’s also the 4th of July next week and I’m gonna eat on Independence Day

because even though there’s a person in the White House who wants to use his powers for evil, not good, I still live in a free country. This year I’m not so proud to be American but I’m relieved to have the freedom to say so.

So the week after next I’ll start my diet. And I’m gonna have a positive attitude throughout. But how do I maintain a positive attitude when my self-talk is usually negative. I’m not, nor will I ever be the bearded lady. It’s just not something I would ever let happen.

I want to use this blog to document my quest for a better life. The first place to start is examining my mild self confidence. It’s mild instead of non-existent because I have self-respect and consciously try not to do things that hurt others or would damage my confidence more than it’s already been. I do have a long way to go.

I think right here is where I should put a picture of my cat and dog. They’re the best.

Considering the Haze

Both yesterday and today I woke up not sure if it was the morning or evening. I guess that happens sometimes.

This morning was weird. Max was trying to wake me up around 6 to go out. At first I thought it was the night before. It wasn’t. Max really did have to go out and it was also the next day. I took too long getting up.

Max pooped inside. He never does that.

My brain isn’t really on vacation, it never is. And my head hurts. I have a lot on my mind.

I wrote this one day at work

I wanted to call this blog Consider the Haze because I wanted it to be a place where I can discuss anything without judgment.

Originally I thought I’d be writing more about weed because it’s a great subject and not enough is understood about it but that’s not the only thing that comes out. I have to follow what comes out.

Today Max pooped inside. And tomorrow is another day.

Movie Recommendation

It’s Friday night and you decide to check out Netflix to see if there’s anything worth watching on your TV. I have news for you. There is!

It’s called Brain on Fire and it stars Chloe Grace Moretz who gives a very moving performance as someone who has a successful life that suddenly goes off the rails when she starts displaying odd behavior. Her family and friends try to help her but they can’t because almost nobody can explain what’s going on with her.

This isn’t an action movie. It’s not a thriller and there’s very little comedic or romantic about this story. That’s not to say there isn’t any romance or comedy…it’s just that it’s mostly a drama movie, based on a true story.

If you’re at home and just want to Netflix and chill, it’s only an hour and a half. The performances are honest and real. With all the choices on Netflix, this is a good one.

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